Bancuri sa ne cracanam de ras

[Smenman]

Propun sa se infinteze pe forum o sectie de bancuri despre jocuri ...
De ce sa nu ne distram in timp ce asteptam un mesaj
CE ZICI PEKE
Apropo am si eu o intrebare Andrei[cg] nu este de al vostru sau e doar un game freack??
THX

[Keyser Soze]

Ia de-aici!!
Intra unul intr-un bar la ultimul etaj al unui zgarie-nori. La bar o gagica beton. Asta sa duche la ea shi zishi:
- Asculta, beibi, eu am baut o licoare magica acum de la bar, si pot sa ma arunc pe geam, dau 2-3 ture in jurul blocului si ma intorc linistit in bar!
- Mucles! zice gagica. Stai jos ca poate-ti trece!
- Nu crezi??? zice asta; stai sa vezi! Se duce , se arunca pe geam ,si dupa un minut revine in bar.
- Mama, ce tare esti!(esti cumva de la PCG-n.a.) zice gagica; dupa care spre barman:
- Baiete, baga si mie ce-a baut domnu'! Asta-i face bautura, asta o da pe gat si se arunca pe geam. Dupa vreun minut ii desenau conturul cu creta. La care barmanu' un pic suparat:
-Hai, ba Superman, ce glume-s astea, traiti-ar mata!

[Smenman]

Foarte MISTO Keyzer soze bancul dar astept sa zica ceva PEKE totusi bancurile sunt binevenite si oricine poate sa le citeasca

[Peke]

Sincer ... nu prea am auzit de "bancuri despre jocuri" ... poate doar citeva "modificate" ca sa fie despre jocuri. Asa ca nu vad rostu' ... bancuri puteti sa spuneti oricite, no problemo Nu cred ca le trebuie sectiune speciala.

Cit despre Andrei[CG], e de-al nostru saracu' Iar a facut prostii ?

[Smenman]

NU nu a facut nici o problema dar are emailul in America asta e tot
THX

[Radu]

Andrei e "international". E-mail in America, el e in Anglia, da-i din Romania

------------------
Radu
http://quake.home.ro

[Keyser Soze]

Andrei[cg] "international"? Eshti ruda cu Dana International?

Baietzii ashtia zice lucruri urate despre ti N

[aspara]

MICROSOFT BUYS THE CATHOLOIC
CHURCH

VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this
morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond
software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an
unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes
through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a
major world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of
the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while
MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will
be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill
Gates.

"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years,"
said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic
Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of
people."

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we
will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the
popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates.
"You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce
your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro
language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically
while you are away from your computer.

An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square,
watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as
Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to
700 sites worldwide.

Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided
Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd
roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the
Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as
Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff
challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual
properties.

"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said
Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea
-- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common
Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in
marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth
Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has
increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the
concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading
crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into
exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were
instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today
Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is
still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of
the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop
and in every home".

Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable
religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single
core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion
desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions,
accordingto Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist
Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the
increasingly competitive religious market.- --

[aspara]

Dear Abby:

I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Army, and I have a second cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles
Nazi hate literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they
were under anesthesia. The sole supporters of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my
uncle (master pick-pocket Benny "The Fingers") and my aunt and kid sisters, who are well-known street walkers. My problem
is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to
marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake
Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business. But -- I am
worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers, once she has a chance to meet them. In your opinion, Abby:
Should I -- or shouldn't I -- let her know about my second cousin who works for Microsoft?

Regards,
Troubled in Seattle

[aspara]

Two software engineers were standing in the park. One had a new bike.
The other said, "Nice bike. How much?"
The first said , "It was free."
The other asked, "Wow, how did you get it for free?"
The one with the bike said," Yesterday a beautiful girl rode up on this bike, took off all her clothes and told me I could have
anything I wanted.
The other software engineer said, "Good move! Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway!"

"

2
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to
his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he
should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."
3A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the
men on that trip won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it,
so he decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane
home -- arriving back 3 a.m. He immediately went out to the backyard of
his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The following
morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed
footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned
by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood
sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol,
the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf
man's house.

"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000 I'm
going to kill him!" he screamed at the professor. The professor
conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign
language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going
to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

The other software engineer said, "Good move! Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway!"


[Mesajul a fost modificat de aspara (modificat 09 April 1999).]

[Mesajul a fost modificat de aspara (modificat 09 April 1999).]

[Bundy]

Cel vechi fiind cam greu de incarcat propun unul nou. Ce ziceti?

De ce toarna o blonda apa in tastatura?
Ca sa navigheze pe internet....

[Mesajul a fost modificat de Bundy (modificat 09 June 1999).]

[ovidius]

Pai zii!

------------------
HOWGH!!!

[Bundy]

Pe o plaja din Africa de Sud:
La un moment dat iese din apa un negru, avand o scula pana la genunchi.
Toata lumea incepe sa rada.
Negrul, suparat, zice: Ce ba, albilor, voua nu vi se face mica cand intrati in apa rece?

-----------------------------------------
Doua pritene stau de vorba linga fereastra:
-Uite draga ca barbatul tau se intoarce cu un buchet de flori.
-Uf ! Iar va trebui sa desfac picioarel.
-Da ce nu ai o vaza!?

[Bundy]

w Existenta virginitãtii nu are altã explicatie decât aceea cã orice femeie trebuie sã înceapã de undeva.
w Este preferabil sã ti se aducã o cutie de sardine deschisã , scutindu-te de neplãcerea deschiderii ei.La fel si cu virginele.
w Dumnezeu l-a creat pe bãrbat, apoi i-a fost teamã sã nu se plictiseascã. Si i-a dãruit femeia. Dupã care cãindu-se , Dumnezeu se temuca ea sã nu-l plictiseascã si i-a dãruit tutunul.
w Fiindcã nu au cap , femeile nu au ce pierde.
w Femeile cinstite nu-si pot ierta niciodatã greselile pe care nu le-au comis.
w O femeie nesatisfãcutã este o specie de cangur ce umblã mereu cu un buzunar gol.
w Femeile se tem cã a fi sincere înseamnã a face steap-tease.
w Biologic vorbind femeia este un animal frumos fãrã blanã si a cãrei piele este cãutatã foarte mult .
w Un bãrbat are nevoie de femeie ca pestele de bicicletã.
w Femeile sunt un deziderat dupã care alergi toata viata si când în sfârsit o gãsesti, îti bagi p..a-n ea.

[Ghost]

Itzic se duce la Strul care tocmai isi deschisese un magazin de palarii.
- Buna ziua, Strul !
- Buna ziua, Itzic !
- Am venit sa-mi iau si eu o palarie. Cat costa una ?
- 500.000 lei.
- Cat ?! Enorm ! Iei pielea de pe oameni, Strul !
- Pai nu e mult. Doar trebuie sa castig si eu ceva !
- NU ! E prea mult. Daca o lasi la 250.000, mai vorbim.
- Pai bine mai Itzic, eu ce mai castig ?
- E daca nu vrei, ma duc la altul, zice Itzic.
- Bine, bine, ti-o dau cu 250.000.
- Cat ?! Enorm ! Cum sa cumpar o palarie asa scumpa ? Mai mult de 125.000 nu dau pe ea.
- Pai adineauri ai zis sa o las la 250.000 si acum spui ca e mult ?
- E bine, daca nu vrei, ma duc la altul, si am sa zic la toata lumea ca vinzi palarii proaste la preturi astronomice.
- Gata, gata ! Ia-o cu 125.000.
- Esti nebun, spune Itzic. Cum crezi ca o sa dau atatia bani pe o palarie ?
- Pai...
- La 60.000 de lei o cumpar.
- Ma Itzic, vrei sa ma jefuiesti ?
- Bine, dute la dracu'! Am plecat la altul de unde o sa o iau si mai ieftin. Am sa zic la toata lumea ca esti un batran nebun care vinde palarii mancate de molii cu o gramada de bani.
- Stai Itzic ! Uite palaria, da-mi 60.000 pe ea.
- 60.000 ? Ai inebunit ! Mai mult de 30.000 nu dau pe o palarie.
- Cum...?
- Am plecat ! Hotule ! Oameni buni, Strul vinde palarii furate...
- Ho, nebunule ! Gata, da-mi 30.000 si ia-ti palaria !
- Cum sa dau 30.000 pe o palarie ? Vad ca senilitatea te-a doborat de tot. Palaria asta daca face 15.000.
- Bine, 15.000 ! Da-mi banii, ia-ti palaria ! , zise Strul exasperat.
- Cum sa dau atatia bani pe o palarie ? E prea mult. 7.000 de lei, daca vrei, daca nu am plecat.
- 7.000 de lei ?, intreaba Strul cu lacrimi in ochi.
- Plec.
- Gata, ia-o odata. Da-mi 3.000 de lei si ia-o.
- Nu dau eu 3.000 de lei pe o palarie. Esti nebun, Strul !
- Itzic, te rog ! Ia palaria fara bani, ca m-ai inebunit !
- N-o vreau ! Da-mi doua !


* Daca ati rezistat pana la capat, felicitarile mele !


[Mesajul a fost modificat de Ghost (modificat 09 June 1999).]

[squilla]

Se intalneste Bula cu popa.....
-Ma popa este in Rai terenuri de baschet si fotbal?
-Ma nu stiu dar ma interesez si iti spun... A doua zi....
-Ma Bula am doua vesti...pentru tine....una buna:
1.Sunt terenuri in Rai de toate felurile...
-Si alta rea... 2.Maine ai meci...

[squilla]

Razboi cu nemtii. Bula se ascunde intr-o fantana. Un neamt vrea sa faca la fel. El striga in fantana, iar Bula face pe ecoul.
- E cineva acolo ?
- E cineva acolo ?
- Mai bine ma duc in padurice ...
- Mai bine ma duc in padurice ...
- Mai bine arunc o grenada ...
- Mai bine te duci in padurice !

[Mesajul a fost modificat de squilla (modificat 10 June 1999).]

[Mesajul a fost modificat de squilla (modificat 10 June 1999).]

[squilla]

O tipa facea autostopul. Nimeni nu oprea. Intr-un tirziu Bula trece cu bicicleta si se hotaraste sa o ia pe cadru.
Dupa un timp, tipa gandea:
" Doamne ce prost e! Nu-si da seama ca n-am chiloti!"
Iar Bula:
"De-ar sti ca n-am cadru la bicicleta!"

[squilla]

Intr-un sanatoriu de nebuni... de undeva din tara....toti pacientii se credeau frunze. Vine inspectie de la bucuresti.
La primul etaj intra inspectoru':
- A venit toamna !
Buf! Toti cad, capete sparte, maini, picioare rupte...tot tacamu'
La al doilea etaj intra inspectoru' :
- A venit toamna !
Buf! toti cad, capete sparte, maini, picioare frante......
Tot asa si la al treilea si la al patrulea.... ajunge la al cincilea:
- A venit toamna !
Nimic!
- A venit toamna!
Tot nimic!
- A VENIT TOAMNA !
- Ba tu esti vaca !?! Nu vezi ca noi suntem CONIFERE!?!

[Raul]

1. Q: Ce spune doctorul inainte de a face o operatie pe creier unei blonde?
A: "Spatiul. Ultima frontiera......"

2. Q: Care este diferenta intre o blonda pe ciclu si un terorist?
A: Cu un terorist poti negogia.

3. Q: Care este diferenta dintre o blonda si o toaleta?
A: O toaleta nu se ia dupa tine dupa ce o folosesti.

4. Q: De ce angajeaza NASA blonde?
A: Fac cercetari asupra gaurilor negre.

5. Un tip si blonda lui prietena se "prostesc".
Blonda ii spune " Vrei, te rog, sa-ti scoti inelul? ma zgirie ".
" Inel, pe naiba." spune el, " Este bratara de la ceas."

6. O blonda si o bruneta discuta despre viata lor sexuala:
Bruneta : Seara trecuta am avut " trei " orgasme la rind!
Blonda : Asta e nimic; noaptea trecuta eu am avut peste o suta.
Bruneta : Dumnezeule! Nu credeam ca prietenul tau e atit de bun.
Blonda ( aratind socata ) : A, tu vorbeai de un singur tip.

8. Q: Cum se numeste o blonda cu jumatate de creier?
A: Norocoasa.

9. Q: Ce au blondele si sticlele de bere in comun ?
A: Amindoua sint goale de la git in sus.

10. Q: Cum se numesc 22 de blonde asezate in coloana?
A: Tunel de vint.

11. Q: Care este asemanarea intre un OZN si o blonda desteapta ?
A: Tot auzi de ele dar nu le vezi nicodata...

12. Q: Cum numesti o blonda vopsita brunet?
A: Inteligenta artificiala.

13. Q: De ce maninca o blonda fasole simbata?
A: Ca sa poata face baie cu bule duminica.

14. Q: Cum moare o celula cenusie a unei blonde?
A: Singura.

16. Q: Cum tii o blonda ocupata toata ziua?
A1: O pui intr-o camera rotunda si-i spui sa stea in colt.
A2: Scrii pe ambele fete ale unei coli "Citeste pe verso".

17. Q: Cum convingi o blonda sa se marite cu tine?
A: Ii spui ca este insarcinata.
Q: Ce va intreba ea?
A: Este al meu?

19. Q: O blonda merge la Londra cu avionul; cum poti sa-i furi locul de la
geam?
A: Ii spui ca locurile care merg la Londra sint cele din centru.

20. Q: De ce sint blondele asa usor de luat in pat?
A: Cui ii pasa?

21. Q: Ce-i dai unei blonde care are de toate?
A: Penicilina.

22. Q: De ce sint blondele incurcate in baie?
A: Trebuie sa-si dea singure pantalonii jos.

23. Q: Ce maninca o blonda virgina?
A: Mincare de bebelusi.

24. Q: Cum faci o blonda sa rida simbata?
A: Ii spui o gluma miercuri.

25. Q: Care este diferenta intre blonde si semnele de circulatie?
A: Unele semne spun stop.

26. Q: Care este diferenta intre o blonda si un bec?
A: Becul este mai destept, dar pe blonda o aprinzi mai repede.

28. Q: Cum aprinde o blonda lumina dupa ce a facut dragoste?
A: Deschid usa masinii.

29. Q: Cum ii plac unei blonde ouale?
A: Nefertilizate.

30. Q: Ce faci cand o blonda arunca cu un cui in tine ?
A: Fugi cat poti, pentru ca tine in mana o grenada.

32. Q: Cum stii ca o blonda e stresata ?
A: Cind are tamponul dupa ureche si cauta peste tot afurisitul de creion!

33. Q: Ce vezi cind te uiti adinc in ochii unei blonde?
A: Ceafa.

34. Q: De ce nu fac blondele surf ?
A: Atunci cind simt ca li se uda chilotii, desfac picioarele.

35. Q: Care-i diferenta dintre o blonda si o maimuta ?
A: Pe o maimuta nu o poti convinge sa faca orice.

Atat ... deocamdata. Adunate de pe Internet.