brat Bancuri sa ne cracanam de ras - Page 2
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Bancurile seci si/sau foarte scurte au thread dedicat, la fel si geek/nerd jokes. Daca vreti sa le impartasiti si altora, postati-le la locul potrivit.
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Thread: Bancuri sa ne cracanam de ras

  1. #21
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    Targoviste, Dambovita, Romania
    Alinuta: De ce fuge mama în zig-zag, tata?

    Tatal: Taci si mai adu niste gloante!


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Alinuta: Ai vazut ce ochi are fetita vecinei noastre?

    Tata: Da, foarte frumosi! Dar de ce întrebi?

    Alinuta: Uite-i!


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Alinuta: Mama, mi-am rupt un deget!

    Mama: Saraca de tine! Unde l-ai rupt?

    Alinuta: În ochii lui Gigel!


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Alinuta lipseste 3 zile de la scoala. Când vine o întreaba învatatoarea: De ce nu ai venit la scoala?

    Alinuta: A murit mama!

    I: Cum a murit?

    Alinuta: A batut un cui în perete si s-a lovit cu ciocanul peste deget.

    I: Bine, bine, dar nu se moare din asta.

    Alinuta: Se chinuia prea mult si tatei i s-a facut mila de ea si-a împuscat-o.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    - Alinuta, te-ai spalat astazi pe dinti?!

    - Nu, tata!

    - Dar ai cui sunt dintii de pe jos!


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Alinuta: Nu vreau sa mai vina bunica la noi!

    T: De ce? Doar îti aduce în fiecare seara câte un pahar cu apa!

    Alinuta: Da, dar nu-si scoate placa!


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    T: Te-ai distrat bine în vacanta?

    Alinuta: Da! Am fost cu mama si prietenul ei la mare.

    T: Si ce-ai facut? Te împacai bine cu el?

    Alinuta: Da! Ma ducea în fiecare dimineata cu barca la vreo 5Km de mal si eu înotam pâna pe plaja!

    T: Si nu era greu?

    Alinuta: Nu, era mai greu sa ies din sac!


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    Într-o dimineata geroasa de iarna , tatal Alinutei o dadea pe respectiva cu capul de bordura .

    La un moment dat , o vecina care n-avea ce face:

    - Aveti grija sa nu îi cada fesul din cap si sa raceasca...

    - Nu va faceti probleme : i-am fixat-o cu doua piroane.


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    - Hai , taticule , lasa-ma sa ma joc cu bunica .

    - Nu se poate Alinuta.

    - Te rooooog .

    - Bine , daca insisti , dar sa stii ca e ultima oara când o dezgrop.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    - Alinuta , fii draguta si fa-i o baie fratelui tau.

    Dupa vreo juma' de ora tatal intra în baie ... Alinuta îl tinea de urechi pe fratiorul sau si îl tragea prin apa.

    - Alinuta , mai pune mâna si mai freaca-l si tu .

    - Ce-ai înnebunit , vrei sa ma oparesc ?

  2. #22
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    Sibiu
    DHB14 - 300 - Thread
    -Stiti voi care este pozitia 72?
    -...?!
    -Pozitia 69 cu trei degete în fund.
    --------------------------
    Un homosexual merge la alimentarã.
    -Dati-mi si mie un salam.
    -Doriti sa vi-l dau întreg sau sã vi-l tai felii?
    -Da'ce tu, curul meu e pusculitã?
    -------------------------
    -Mamã, când este destulã apã în piscinã?
    -Taci si scuipã!!!
    Carpe Diem!

  3. #23
    squilla
    Guest
    Bula si cu Strula se cearta:
    - Tatal meu este mai bun! - spune Strula.
    - Nu este adevarat!
    - Si fratele meu este mai bun!
    - Nu este adevarat!
    - Si mama mea este mai buna!
    - Asta asa este - spune Bula.Asa zice si tatal meu!

  4. #24
    squilla
    Guest
    Bula si o fata se joaca de-a v-ati ascunselea. Fata explica regulile:
    - Tu te pui. Eu ma voi ascunde. Daca ma gasesti in 20 minute, poti sa ma tii de mana. Daca ma gasesti in 10 minute, poti sa ma saruti. Daca ma gasesti imediat, poti sa faci ce vrei cu mine. Acum pune-te, eu ma voi ascunde dupa frigider.

  5. #25
    squilla
    Guest
    La scoala este inspectie. Inspectorul pune urmatoarea intrebare:
    - Copii, ce faceti daca sunteti intr-o padure si vine ursul?
    Bula ridica mana. Profesoara ingrozita, dar inspectorul deja a observat mana ridicata.
    - Sa raspunda cel din ultima banca.
    - Bula, raspunde frumos!
    - Pai incep sa alerg catre un copac.
    - Dupa aceea ce faci?
    - Ma urc pe copac.
    - Si daca ursul se urca si el pe copac?
    - Ma sui pana in varful copacului.
    Profesoarei nu-i vine sa creada ca pana acum Bula a raspuns asa frumos, ca nu a spus nici o prostie.
    - Si daca ursul se suie si el pina in varful copacului?
    - Sar din copac.
    - Si daca sare si ursul?
    - Alerg la un alt copac.
    - Si daca alearga si ursul dupa tine?
    - Ma urc in copac.
    - Si daca se urca si el pe copac?
    - Atunci ma sui pana in varful copacului.
    - Si daca se suie si el pana in varful copacului?
    - Mai dute'n p...a matii, tu tii cu ursul?

  6. #26
    Ghost
    Guest
    - Ce-i mic, rosu si bate-n geam ?
    - Alinuta sadica in cuptorul cu microunde.
    ===========================================
    Bula vrea sa-si cumpere papagal vorbitor. Se duce la Pet Shop si vorbeste cu vanzatorul:
    - Buna ziua, as dori sa cumpar un papagal vorbitor.
    - Avem. Uitati-va la acesta, stie trei limbi straine.
    - Cat costa ?
    - 500.000 lei
    - Prea mult. Mai ieftin aveti ?
    - Da. Acesta, stie o limba straina si costa 300.000 lei.
    - Tot e mult. Mai ieftin ?
    - Avem unul care costa 50.000, il tinem in spate. Dar nu vi-l recomand.
    - De ce ?
    - Vorbeste numai prostii. A apartinut unei matroane de bordel.
    - Nu conteaza, il iau. Poftim banii.
    - Bine, vi-l voi trimite acasa in cel mult o ora.
    Pleaca Bula din magazin, vanzatorul cheama curierul si il trimite cu papagalul la adresa lui Bula.
    Bing-bang la usa, iese sotia lui Bula, primeste colivia acoperita, o duce in camera de zi, ii scoate husa si isi vede mai departe de treaba.
    Papagalul se uita prin camera putin, apoi incepe sa trancane:
    - Ia te uita ! Bordel nou, matroana noua. Misto !
    In camera intra si copiii lui Bula.
    Papagalul:
    - Ia te uita ! Bordel nou, matroana noua, clienti noi. Misto !
    Ajunge si Bula acasa, deschide usa si intra in casa.
    Papagalul:
    - Ia te uita ! Bordel nou, matroana noua, clienti noi, Bula, ce mai face batrane ?
    ===========================================

    [Mesajul a fost modificat de Ghost (modificat 11 June 1999).]

  7. #27
    squilla
    Guest
    La un institut avea loc un examen pentru stabilirea coeficientului de inteligenta. Comisia ii da unui subiect o probelma foarte grea de fizica. Candidatul rezolva cu mare usurinta problema. Comisia hotaraste ca indivizii atat de inteligenti sunt prea periculosi asa ca ii scot jumatate de creier.
    Are loc o noua examinare. Respectivului i-se da o problema grea de matematica. Individul o rezolva intr-un timp foarte scurt. Comisia ajunge la concluzia ca este periculos in continuare si hotaraste sa ii scoata tot creierul.
    Zis si facut... Dupa operatie, la trezire, medicul il intreaba:
    - Cum te simti?
    - Hai! Actele la control sau vii cu mine la sectie!

  8. #28
    Registered User bugs's Avatar
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    Blondele, saracele...

    Q: De ce nu exista brunete proaste?
    A: Pai alea proaste se fac blonde.

    -RedHead

  9. #29
    Registered User Masi27185's Avatar
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    Bucureşti, România
    What if Data were Windows 95 compatible?

    WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships
    uncloaking dead ahead.

    PICARD: On screen.

    [The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of
    horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide.]

    PICARD: Data, what's wrong here?

    DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have
    sufficient video memory to display an image of
    this size. May I suggest that you select a lower
    resolution?

    PICARD: Make it so.

    [The screen blanks, and then an image appears,
    with big, blocky square pixels. Three objects
    appear in the center, which could be Romulan
    warbirds, but which actually look more like the
    aliens in Space Invaders.]

    PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the
    Romulans.

    DATA: Aye, sir.

    [Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside
    him, turns it over, and places it on the console
    in front of him. He punches some buttons on the
    console and sits motionless for several seconds. A
    flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan
    ships on the viewscreen.]

    WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!

    PICARD: Shields up!

    DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still
    attempting to complete your last instruction. I
    must ask you to wait until I have finished before
    you issue your next command.

    PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is
    *important*! I want those shields up *right now*.

    DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still
    attempting tocomplete your last instruction. I
    must ask you to wait until I have finished before
    you issue your next command.

    LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data]
    Control-alt-delete, Data.

    [Data removes the hourglass from the console, and
    returns it to the floor.]

    DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails.
    Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows.
    Pull my left ear to close this communications
    channel which is not responding. You will lose any
    information sent by the Romulans.

    [LaForge pulls Data's left ear.]

    PICARD: Shields...

    [There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge
    shakes violently, and all the crew members are
    thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts
    from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm,
    throwing Wesley back away from the console.]

    PICARD: Up, Data!

    DATA: Aye, sir.

    RIKER: All decks, damage report!

    WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He
    appears to be unconscious.

    [Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on
    his console, and punches some more buttons. He
    waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back
    on the floor.]

    DATA: Shields are now up, captain.

    PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all
    phasers on the lead Romulan ship.

    WORF: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons
    console.]

    PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for
    evasive action.

    DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the
    proper device driver installed for that console.

    PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.

    DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right
    nostril.

    PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup
    implants?

    RIKER: I left them with Geordi.

    LAFORGE: [in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought
    you still had them!

    PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored
    in your internal memory?

    DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant
    #1 in my right nostril.

    PICARD: Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant #1.

    DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort,
    Retry, Fail?

    PICARD: Abort!

    DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort,
    Retry, Fail?

    PICARD: Well, fail, then!

    DATA: Current nose is no longer valid.

    [Data walks over to the helm, and presses several
    buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the
    Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side of the
    viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is
    heard coming from somewhere else in the ship.]

    LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you
    doing?

    PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service
    number for Data?

    RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call
    them, I got put on hold for two hours before I was
    able to talk to anyone. And that person wasn't
    knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She
    specialized in industrial control robots.

    [Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen
    goes blank, and all the usual noise of fans,
    motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few
    seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is
    standing by the console, absolutely motionless.]

    PICARD: What's going on?

    LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant
    Data has caused a General Protection Violation in
    the warp engine core.

    PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you
    can't really do anything with them.

    [The shimmer of the transporter effect appears,
    and six Romulans in full battle dress materialize
    on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi,
    appears moments later.]

    FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest
    you in a Macintosh, Captain?
    Masi, magniloquent warthog
    E-mail : masi27185@yahoo.com
    "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist."
    __________________

  10. #30
    Registered User Masi27185's Avatar
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    CONSTRUCTORS

    Two construction workers were working on the
    30th floor. Suddenly one of them had to piss.
    The other guy agreed to hold on to him while the
    first guy leaned out a window. Then the
    dinnerbell sounded an the guy who was holding the
    other one, completely forgot about holding on, he
    just ran down to get his food. On the 20th floor
    he was stopped by his boss, who asked if the guy
    that he worked with was gay.
    'No, But why do you ask?' he said.
    'Because a minute a go he came flying past my
    window with his dick in his hand asking, 'where
    the fuck did that ASSHOLE go!''
    Masi, magniloquent warthog
    E-mail : masi27185@yahoo.com
    "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist."
    __________________

  11. #31
    Registered User Masi27185's Avatar
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    Cyber-Sex

    WELLHUNG: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

    SWEETHEART: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

    WELLHUNG: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

    SWEETHEART: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

    WELLHUNG: OK

    SWEETHEART: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

    WELLHUNG: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

    SWEETHEART: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing you're bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

    WELLHUNG: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

    SWEETHEART: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My nipples are erect for you.

    WELLHUNG: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

    SWEETHEART: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

    WELLHUNG: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

    SWEETHEART: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

    WELLHUNG: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm.

    SWEETHEART: What?

    WELLHUNG: I'm so sorry; Really.

    SWEETHEART: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

    WELLHUNG: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

    SWEETHEART: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

    WELLHUNG: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

    SWEETHEART: Why don't you take off your glasses?

    WELLHUNG: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

    SWEETHEART: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

    WELLHUNG: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

    SWEETHEART: Hurry back, lover.

    WELLHUNG: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

    SWEETHEART: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

    WELLHUNG: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

    SWEETHEART: What's the matter now?

    WELLHUNG: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

    SWEETHEART: Mmm, yes. Come on.

    WELLHUNG: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.

    SWEETHEART: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

    WELLHUNG: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

    SWEETHEART: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

    WELLHUNG: I'm flaccid.

    SWEETHEART: What?

    WELLHUNG: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

    SWEETHEART: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

    SWEETHEART: <logged off>

    Masi, magniloquent warthog
    E-mail : masi27185@yahoo.com
    "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist."
    __________________

  12. #32
    Registered User Masi27185's Avatar
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    Bucureşti, România
    Things computers only do in movies

    You never have to use space while typing long sentences.

    Actors never type wrong.

    All screens show letters 1 inch high.

    All computers are linked to each other. You can access the bad guys
    computer even if it's turned off .

    Powerfull computers peep whenever you press a key or when the screen
    changed. Some screens even change the speed that the text is printed on
    the screen to the speed you read it.

    People who write on the computer can easily turn it off without saving
    information.

    A hacker can break into the most advanced computer system by guessing the
    password in two tries.

    You can get passed "Permission denied" by choosing "override" (Demolition
    man).

    A computer starts up in 2 seconds.

    Downloads will be finished in less than 3 seconds. Modems works at a speed
    of 2 Gb/sec.

    If you are reading a file on the computer and someone else on the network
    erases it, then it will dissapear from your screen.

    Computers can communicate with each other regardless of what kind of
    computer it is (Independence day).

    If you seek on Internet it doen't matter what you seek for, it will always
    pop up what you are looking for (Mission Impossible, Tom Cruise searches
    for "file" and "computer" and gets 3 matches).
    Masi, magniloquent warthog
    E-mail : masi27185@yahoo.com
    "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist."
    __________________

  13. #33
    Registered User Masi27185's Avatar
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    Bucureşti, România
    What can Bill Bates do with his money?

    At last count, Bill Gates had an estimated net worth of $42 billion
    dollars ($42,000,000,000.000).

    He has earned since his birth an average of $32.31per heartbeat, and this
    is escalating. Here are some things he could do with his money:

    * Pay NBA MVP Michael Jordan's salary for 1,394 years.

    * Give every man, woman and child on the face of the Earth $7.46.

    * Pay every California Lottery prize for the next 34 years.

    * Fund 158 Mars Pathfinder missions.

    * Fund the US Department of Education for 19 years.

    * Pay tuition for the residents of Seattle and Tacoma to go to the
    University of Washington for four years.

    * Fund the US presence in the Persian Gulf for 11 months.

    * Fund the US peace keeping forces in Bosnia for 157 years.

    * Buy 233,346,297 copies of Microsoft Windows 95.

    * Buy 1,680,000,000 copies of his own book, buy more with his royalties
    from those sales, continuing the cycle and easily the best selling author
    of all time.

    * Make Hanson the most successful musicians of all time by buying
    3,529,411,765 copies of "Middle of Nowhere."

    * If he wanted to challenge George Lucas (worth only $2 billion), he could
    make 227 sequels to "Waterworld," or 35,000 sequels to "Sling Blade."

    * At the median donation for spending a night in the White House, he
    coulds tay in the Lincoln Bedroom for 46,300 years.

    * If he wanted to go on a killing spree in Los Angeles County, at the rate
    that Simpson was charged, he could kill 3,360 people and pay all his
    attorney fees and punitive damages.

    * At the rate of 1/2 ounce per $27 million, he could pay Mike Tyson to eat
    1/5 of Evander Holyfield.

    * He could fly from Seattle to Paris and back on Air France 45,258,621
    times.

    * If he wanted to go to a local baseball game, he could buy Seattle
    Mariners season tickets, all of them, for 411 years, and with his spare
    change could buy the team and the Kingdome.

    * At Denny's, he could buy a "Grand Slam Slugger Breakfast" for
    9,150,326,797 people.

    * If he couldn't get service, he could buy every man, woman and child in
    China a Big Mac Extra Value Meal, as long as no one "Super Sizes."

    * If they preferred, he could buy 17 billion packages of Top Ramen noodles.

    * He must like coffee, and could buy over 6 billion pounds of French roast
    at his local Starbuck's.

    * Speaking of a cup of coffee, he could support one of those Sally
    Struther's foreign kids for 113,341,969 years. Perhaps what he need to
    spend money on most is a new pair of glasses and some hair conditioner.

    Masi, magniloquent warthog
    E-mail : masi27185@yahoo.com
    "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist."
    __________________

  14. #34
    Registered User Masi27185's Avatar
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    The Latest Report on Windows98 : New Error Codes Assigned

    Winerr 000 - Unexpected Intelligent User Encountered
    Winerr 001 - Intimidation Failed; Attempting to Crash Repeatedly
    Winerr 002 - Erroneous Error; No Error Occurred (Yet)
    Winerr 003 - RAM Depleted; Annex Japan (Y/N)?
    Winerr 004 - Deluxe Error. Please Send $75 to Upgrade Your Error
    Winerr 005 - Long File Name Error; Tape Erased to Make Room for Filename
    Winerr 006 - Insufficient RAM to Crash Properly; Attempting Fake crash
    Winerr 007 - Alphanumeric Sequence "OS2" Prohibited
    Winerr 008 - This License Has Expired; Please Purchase Another Copy
    Winerr 009 - Error Buffer Overflow; Too Many Errors
    Winerr 00A - Non-Microsoft Application Encountered
    Winerr 00B - Push Error; Removing Files to Make Room for Advertisement
    Winerr 00C - Windows Loaded Correctly This Time
    Winerr 00D - User Error; Lemming Not Found
    Winerr 00E - Open Standard Encountered; Attempting to Redmondize
    Winerr 00F - Reserved for Future Coding Errors
    Winerr 010 - Virus Error - Other Applications Will Be Closed Instead
    Winerr 011 - Orwell Not Found; You Must Use MSN
    Winerr 012 - Cash Underflow - Credit Card Number Will Be Assimilated
    Winerr 013 - Keyboard Error; User Must Learn to Slow Down
    Winerr 014 - User Error; Reading License Agreement Mandatory to Continue
    Winerr 015 - Error Message Deleted
    Winerr 016 - Expected Error Did Not Occur; Attempting to Restart Error
    Sequence
    Winerr 017 - Multitasking Attempted; System Confused
    Winerr 018 - Network Error - Your Crash Will Be Replicated to All Stations
    Winerr 019 - Freedom-of-Choice Error; Select a Microsoft Browser To
    Continue
    Winerr 01A - Insult Detected -- Your Bill Gates Joke Will Be Deleted
    Winerr 01B - Error Removing Temporary File; a Permanent File Will Be
    Substituted
    Winerr 01C - Wrong Disk Formatted. Sorry About That.
    Winerr 01D - Mandatory Error Inserted to Meet Error Quota
    Winerr 01E - Please Insert Your Favorite Error Here
    Winerr 01F - Error In Progress; Please Wait....
    Winerr 020 - Unknown Error Occurred But Was Lost. Windows Will Try To
    Remember
    Winerr 021 - Error Parsing Error List; Please Wait For Next Error
    Winerr 022 - Upgrade Error; Please Format Your Drive And Reload Everything

    Masi, magniloquent warthog
    E-mail : masi27185@yahoo.com
    "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist."
    __________________

  15. #35
    Registered User
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    Sibiu
    Nu stiu ce patiti voi daca dormiti cu radioul deschis dar uite ce a patit un prieten:

    "Stimati vecini,
    Azi noapte era ora 1:16 si am asteptat sa opriti radio. Apoi intre ora 2 si 3 m-am plimbat pe aleea din fata blocului si m-am racit, fiind intr-un capotel subtire. Am luat apoi o doza de calmante si am atipit spre ziua.
    Ziua am 4 gradini de curatit, meditatii si necaz cat incape.
    Daca lasati radioul din cauza ciorilor, impreuna vom gasi o rezolvare a situatiei."

    Pt. cei ce nu cred pot sa le trimit o copie scanata.
    Carpe Diem!

  16. #36
    Registered User
    Join Date
    May 1999
    Location
    Sibiu

    Bancurile continua.

    Ma gandeam sa incep un nou topic cu bancuri pentru ca cel vechi s-a incarcat rau de tot.
    -----------------
    Various Organizational Philosophies explained in terms of two cows

    SOCIALISM You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbour.
    COMMUNISM You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.
    FASCISM You have two cows. The overnment takes them both and sells you the milk.
    NAZISM You have two cows. The overnment takes them both and shoots you.
    BUREAUCRACY You have two cows.The goverment takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours it down the drain.
    CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
    LAWYERISM You see two cows and note that the milk from same has not been labelled "Contains lactose." You find 20 lactose-intolerant people, start a class action suit against the owner of the cows, the regional dairy cooperative, the distributor and the grocery store chain. You settle out of court for $1,000,000. Lactose intolerant milk drinkers get 10 cents each. You get $333,333. You act surprised when the owner goes berserk, shoots the cows and moves to Mexico. You feign astonishment when the dairy co-op goes out of business. Congress passes a law making your job easier the next time.
    ----------------
    Microsoft Restaurant

    Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
    Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
    Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly isn't really there.
    Patron: No, it's still there.
    Waiter: Then it must be the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
    Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
    Waiter: This is starting to sound like an incompatibility issue. What kind of bowl are you using?
    Patron: A SOUP bowl! The same one YOU served me!
    Waiter: Hmmm, that usually works. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?
    Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
    Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
    Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
    Waiter: At this point my best advice is for you to upgrade to the latest Soup of the Day.
    Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
    Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
    Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
    Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
    Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
    Waiter: (Leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.)
    Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
    Patron: This is potato soup.
    Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
    Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
    Waiter: Enjoy!
    Waiter: (Leaves.)
    Patron: Waiter! There's another fly in my soup!
    Waiter: That sir, is not a fly, it is a protein feature. We have included this enhancement for free with your soup upgrade.
    Patron: This is completely UNACCEPTABLE!!!
    Waiter: Well, according to the license agreement printed on the back of your latest napkin, we are not liable for the disliking of our product features. I believe we can close this ticket now.
    (Removes old check, and leaves a new one.)
    Patron: (Reads the check

    Soup of the Day $ 1.50
    Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day $ 2.50
    Access to support @ $ 5.00 per incident X 3 Incidents $15.00
    Subtotal $19.00
    Mandatory Gratuity (25%) $ 5.00*
    Total $24.00
    * Gratuity was calculated using an early Intel Pentium microprocessor

    ---
    De pe net!
    Carpe Diem!

  17. #37
    Gus
    Gus is offline
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 1999
    Location
    Bucuresti,Romania
    Sunt obosit
    De citiva ani dau vina pe virsta, suparari, lipsa de vitamine, poluare, obezitate, regim politic, si o multime de alte suferinte care te fac sa te intrebi daca viata merita traita. Dar acum, am descoperit ca NU acestea sint motivele!
    Sunt obosit pentru ca MUNCESC PREA MULT!!!
    Populatia tarii este de 23.228.587 de locuitori, dintre care 7.859.889 sunt pensionari.
    Mai ramin 15.368.698 care sa munceasca.
    In scoli sunt 4.813.999 elevi si profesori.
    Mai ramin 10.554.699 care sa munceasca.
    2.674.917 sunt someri, iar 5.001.013 lucreaza in administratia de stat.
    Mai ramin 2.878.769 care sa munceasca.
    Dintre ei, 1.758.332 sint in armata.
    Mai ramin 1.120.437 care sa munceasca.
    374.592 sunt inchisi in puscarii, 425.687 sunt in spitale, handicapati sau nu, iar 320.156 lucreaza in administratiile locale.
    Mai ramin 2 (DOI) oameni care sa munceasca.
    TU si EU.
    Iar TU STAI sa citesti chestia asta...
    Nici nu ma mir ca sint asa de obosit!!!


    Daca credeti ca am gresit la calcule, spor la ......calculat!!

    G

  18. #38
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Jun 1999
    Location
    romania
    ESTE WINDOWS-UL UN VIRUS?

    *Un virus este tinut, fara stirea utilizatorului, impreuna cu alte programe folositoare (shi windowsu' alfel ...)
    *Un virus foloseshte resursele sistemului, incetinindu-i viteza de lucru (shi windowsu' la fel ...)
    *Un virus distruge informatziile de pe disc (shi windowsu' la fel ...)
    *Un virus incetineshte viteza intr-atat incat utilizatorul trebuie sa-si reconfigureze sistemul (shi windowsu' la fel ...)
    Sa nu fim nedreptzi: virushii ruleaza aproape pe orice sistem, codul lor este rapid, compact si eficeint, iar ei devin mai complecshi pe zi ce trece.
    Iata de ce windowsu' NU este un virus...
    Have fun & enjoy the ride!


  19. #39
    Registered User Masi27185's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 1999
    Location
    Bucureşti, România
    MS-Condom
    When the Software industry had badly gone down, three software giants Sun
    Micro, SCO (UNIX), and Microsoft started producing condoms and named them
    Java-condo, CondomiX, and MS-Condom respectively. A customer using
    Java-condo complained to Sun that the condom doesn't fit correctly. Sun
    replied, "Wait till we get the ISO standard." They boasted that it would
    fit to any size irrespective of underlying structure.

    Well, the customer switched to CondomiX and found that by the time he
    finishes reading the instructions, given along with CondomiX, his wife
    sleeping and he forgetting why he is using CondomiX.

    Finally he switched to MS-Condom. To his surprise it was so good...and
    comfortable! He used it happily. Six months later he found that his wife
    was pregnant. He got angry and complained to Microsoft. He got his reply
    from Microsoft:

    A patch is coming soon..!
    Masi, magniloquent warthog
    E-mail : masi27185@yahoo.com
    "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist."
    __________________

  20. #40
    Registered User Masi27185's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 1999
    Location
    Bucureşti, România
    Computer Geek and his Wife

    Warning to ALL women:

    Husband : (Returning late form work) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged
    in."
    Wife : Have you brought the ring ?
    Husband : Bad command or filename.
    Wife : But I told you in the morn...
    Husband : Erroneous syntax.
    Wife : What about my new blouse ?
    Husband : Variable not found ...
    Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
    Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied ...
    Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just
    being funny ?
    Husband : Too many parameters. Abort!...
    Wife : It was a grave mistake that I married an idiot like you.
    Husband : Data type mismatch.
    Wife : You are a useless nut.
    Husband : Default Parameter.
    Wife : What about your Salary ?
    Husband : Access denied. File in use...
    Wife : Who was in the car this morning ?
    Husband : System unstable. Press CTRL + ALT + DEL to Reboot.
    Masi, magniloquent warthog
    E-mail : masi27185@yahoo.com
    "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist."
    __________________

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